She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I would fuck him just for his dog
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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