you guys were way drunker than both of me
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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