Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
