I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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