I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So many bounce houses so little time
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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