Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
