Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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