I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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