does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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