I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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