it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
