i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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