I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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