He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
