I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics â¤ï¸
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
