I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
