Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
