smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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