Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
