i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
