just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
