I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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