i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
and you fell through a lawn chair
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
