she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
