Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
