just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
