1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
