we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
