She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My ass is underappreciated
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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