Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
