What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
