it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
