I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
