Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
