I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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