my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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