took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
