OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
