haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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