If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
