i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
