I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
