Swine flu. Run for my life!
Screwed.edu
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just cropdusted the office
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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