Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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