Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
