You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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