No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
