Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
