She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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