Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
