I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
